anxious...

sooo im going to meet up with this dude in a lil bit, and im mad nervous! lmao i was supposed to meet up with him last night, but i fell asleep putting jayden down. he wasnt even mad, at least he didnt show that he was. shit if it had been me, i wouldve cursed his ass out lol. but yea im thinking this might be a little weird because its him. but i dont know, we'll see. i was telling queeta how i hope he turns the lights off because i dont think ill be able to do it if they're on! lmao im mad dumb. he sent me a pic of his thingy thang and he's not small in any way. he's gonna fucking hurt me! lol oh well ill take it like a champ. damn yo i hope im not wack bc its been so long for me. i havent gotten any since like march. maaadddd long! but before that it had been like 10 months, so i guess this is nothing. its just...weird! he's not even that cute, but im not looking for anything more than a booty call right now anyways. im too bruised for anything more. so fuck that! im just gonna have me some fun, and not do it in a slutty way lol. man o man o man. i dont even know what to do with myself right now. lol

7 deadly sins

stole this from eb the fake celeb...lmao

Anger
1. Who did you last get angry with? my child
2. What is your weapon of choice? vocals
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? hell yea i do almost everyday lol
4. How about of the same sex? Ive never had to, but yea i would
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? wouldnt know
6. What is your pet peeve? hmmm...idk!
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? sometimes it takes me awhile to get over something, but i always do. keeping a grudge against someone takes too much time and energy that they are not worth

Sloth
1. What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you haven’t done in a long time? take my vitamins
2. What is the latest you’ve ever woken up? goodness idk
3. Who have you been meaning to contact, but haven’t? ashley
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? something about the baby not feeling good, so i didnt have to go see someone i didnt feel like seeing
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones…)? No
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? didnt have an alarm on today

Gluttony
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? venti iced green tea lemonade with melon
2. Meat eaters are…: absolutely amazing :)lol
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event? like 3 quarters of a bottle of bacardi melon
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? Spicy

Lust
1. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? yea all my friends have huge boobs, and for some reason we always bring our boobs up in convo lol
2. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? arms
3. Have you ever been made a proposition by a prostitute? No
4. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? both
5. Is love at first sight really lust? i believe so

Greed
1. How many credit cards do you own? i only have my debit card
What’s your guilty pleasure store? Victoria's Secret
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? put a few hundred thou away for jay, put half in a savings account, buy a house so i can move out of my parents, invest some, probably give some to different charities, pay off all bills, give some to siblings and queet
4. Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? i could for awhile, but ive had boring jobs n they made me go a lil crazy...
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.
7. How many mp3s are on your hard drive? a lot

Pride
1. What is one thing you have done that you’re most proud of? jayden
2. What’s one thing you’ve done that your parents are most proud of? wouldnt know
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? being truly happy with everything in my life
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? depends on what im coming in 2nd place with
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? No
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? yea
7. What did you do today that you’re proud of? i actually did a lot of work at work, instead of sitting on my ass lol

Envy
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for yourself? there really is no item or person, but some of my friends have no cares in the world and sonetimes i wish i had it easy like them
2. Who would you want to go on Trading Spaces with? no clue
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? jada pinkett smith so i could look at will all day lol
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes
5. Have you ever cheated? i kissed a boy i wasnt dating but that was it. is that considered cheating? lol

insomnia...

i cant sleep! im nervous about the interview tomorrow. i hate interviews. i havent been to one in like 2 years. but ive never had an interview where i didnt get the job! so hopefully my good luck will continue. my friend from work cater saw sly on sat at a bar. i hadnt seen her in awhile, so she didnt know that i had ended it with him. so she comes in today and is like i have something to tell you! and im like is it about a boy? and she's like yea, who do u think? and i was like oh, we dont talk anymore, and she was like oh ok nevermind then. and i was like no! was he with a girl!! and she said no i just saw him at the bar and i asked him what was going on with you two and he said nothing im still single, and her brother was all in the convo and was like yea whats going on between you and kaz, i heard she's hot! lmao people are funny. we had a fire last night at ash's and baby was sleeping and we put him on the hammock that was outside wrapped in a million blankets and he was so cute! i have to put the pics up of it. neil was drunk out of his mind as usual and was the life of the party. he's hilarious. zach m was high as a kite as usual, his eyes all bugged out scaring the shit outta me lol zach b was getting drunk off smirnoff ice, that was hilarious. shane was there! he's such a cutie pie. ash told me after i left they were talking about how i couldnt be a happy day, which is what they call a girl they think is hot, i could only be a milf. and shane goes, ash you have to have a kid to be a milf. and ash is like yea kaz does have a child, he was just here. and shane is like oh yea! she does have a kid. alright kaz is such a fucking milf! he was high too lmao good times. ok im gonna try n sleep now!

doing good...

soo..... it's been awhile since i ended it with sly, and im surprised i havent thought about him as much as i thought i would. which makes me happy! thats good for me because that tells me im really done with him this time around. it doesnt matter anyway because i found me a "friend". lmao this dude i went to high school with. my exes ex best friend. haha oh well they dont really talk anymore, so i dont feel bad. i actually wouldnt feel bad even if they were still talking. lol im terrible. anyways, i have a fire to go to!

This is just a little something i wrote last year sometime when i had my heart broken for the first time! Im no means a poet, but it still helped me.

today is the day

today is the day where i feel worthy again
today is the day where i feel deserving again
today is the day where i say it's your loss, not mine
today is the day where i stop feeling sorry for myself
today is the day where i begin to find true happiness
today is the day where i will shed my last tears
today is the day where i will have faith in myself again
today is the day where the pain stops and the healing begins
and today is the day where i begin to have hope that i will find love again



Yea so I ended it with fuckface last night. I just sent him a text because I knew he was at work and I knew if he wasnt and I called him, he wouldnt have anything meaningful to say anyway, so whatever. He didnt even say anything back. That asshole. But I knew he wasnt going to, so it didnt even upset me.

But on to happier things! My baby is finally doing better and has no fever! Took him to the doc today just for her to tell me he probably had a virus, and that he should be fine. Oh so insightful. He loves to dance, its so funny because he gets so excited and so into it. I've been trying to take a video of it but he just stops and gives me his screw face and looks all embarrassed. lol So i'll try and get him dancing and put a vid on here.

I've come to realize..

1. I've come to realize that my legs....
are extremely paler than the rest of my body lol

2. I've come to realize that this weekend...
is probably going to suck except pool day on saturday!

3. I've come to realize that when i'm driving...
i have roadrage, and i turn the radio up too damn loud! but baby jay just rocks out anyway lol

4. I've come to realize that i need...
to realize that i cant have everything i want when i want it or even at all

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
something special...

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
stupid people come into dibellas and ruin my whole day

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
pictures are going to be taken!! lol

8. I've come to realize that money...
is always needed

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
dont deserve to have me, and im not saying that in a conceited way!

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be..
my crazy self, and i love it!

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...
stupid face, but he already knows that, and a million freaking actors!

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
gets on my nerves sometimes....

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is..
so important that i dont think i could function without it!

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
i didnt get enough sleep

15. I've come to realize that last night before i went to sleep...
that i wasnt going to get enough sleep

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about..
stupid face and wondering if i should text him back bc it took him so long to text me back! haha i can be so childish

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
has mental issues

18. I've come to realize that when I get on myspace...
im on here too much

19. I've come to realize that today...
kind of was a drag...

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
i should sleep, but im not since im doing this damn survey

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
be dead tired all over again

22. I've come to realize that I really want...
someone that i probably shouldnt want

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to re post this...
who freakin knows lol

1 word answers...

You Can Only Type One Word Responses (Not as easy as you might think!). Now copy, change the answers to suit you, and repost. It's really hard to only use one-word answers.
Where is your cell phone? table
Your significant other? nonexistent
Your hair? brown
Your Skin? pale!
Your mother? crazy
Your favorite thing? Jayden
Your dream last night? wacky
Your favorite drink? tea
Your dream/goal? house
The room you're in? bedroom
Your ex? who?
Your fear? losing
Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
Where were you last night? sleep
What you're not? happy
Muffins? yummy!
One of your wish list items? money
Where you grew up? Rochester
The last thing you did? blog
What are you wearing? clothes
Your TV? off
Your pets? none
Your computer? shitty
Your life? crazy
Your mood? irritated
Missing someone? always
Your car? bonnevilleS
omething you're not wearing? bra
Favorite Store? vickies
Your summer? lonely
Like someone? love
Your favorite color? blue
When is the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? today
Who will/would re-post this? friends
Who's answers are you anxious to see? friends

Feeling a lil down....

I am in bed at 930 at night like a loser! lol. but baby jay is sick with a fever and im quite exhausted. Im dozing off while typing.... but anyway, I hate boys. Boys are stupid, and they make me feel stupid. I dont understand why I cant just find a good one who actually does what he says he's going to do, and means what he says. This dude I talked to from like Nov to March is like that. Feeding me all this bull about how he wants us to get back together and how he still loves me and how pushing me away was a mistake but now that im actaully willing to try again he acts like i mean nothing to him and like he's not even interested. And everytime I bring it up he just gets an attitude and tells me he wants to be with me and thinks that that is all he has to do and everything is good. I dont see why its so hard for him to show me he cares about me, unless of course he just doesnt. But he gets so pissed when I say im done and that he doesnt care, and i dont see why he would get mad if he didnt care. His excuse is that he's scared bc the 2 girls he was serious about before both cheated on him. And quite honestly I dont know why bc he is absolutely amazing at what he does. If him and I were in a relationship I would never cheat bc the dude i would be cheating with most likely wouldnt be as good!! lmao but anyway, I just dont understand what his deal is, and he never wants to talk about it, so im thinking about just walking away bc im sick of his shit. It's weird tho, bc sometimes he'll act like he cares, he'll some visit me at work, or call/text me all day, try to see me, but then there are days where i wont even hear from him, and ill text him or something and i get nothing. he's probablt still messing with whoever he was before I came back into the picture. I dont know what to do... I know him and I have to talk or im going to get absolutely nothing. Love isnt supposed to hurt, but all this love brings is pain. I think its time to let go, but I really dont want to give up on him. I dont know why.... This sucks!

My stupid sister tagged me..

"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

My seven songs are as follows:

1. Fool of Me by Me'Shell Ndegeocello
2. Take a Bow by Rihanna
3. Touch My Body by Mariah Carey
4. Just Fine by Mary J. Blige
5. Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys
6. Sell Me Candy by Rihanna
7. Rehab by Rihanna